A Heart to Heart

my little corner of Ohio 

I can't believe it's January. I can't believe it's 2013. I can't believe I go back to classes tomorrow! I'm realizing now that time really can fly by, despite how slow it sometimes feels. My mom used to always tell me that time flies by once you get older, but I never believed her! Yesterday I told her she was right...finally! I can't believe how bad but good 2012 has been for me. In one day, I have been able to see how strong I really can be. But in another way, (maybe a bigger way) I've been hurt in more ways than I ever thought possible. Close friends of mine have passed away, my kitty passed away, and things just seemed to always be going wrong.

One thing I have learned last year that no one can ever take away is how proud of myself I am. I beat myself up alot over the small stuff, and sometimes I just worry too much, or my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I'm left thinking 'What if?'. What if we all could take risks without worrying about the consequences? What if we all could just be ourselves without the fake crap we all pull? What if we could all find a soulmate, and never worry about if we will or not? What if our friends never passed away? What if we were eternal?

Late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep, I think about those things alot. I play the What If game in my mind, thinking about the things that COULD happen, but probably never will. And one that seems to come up a lot for me is 'What if I just stopped being afraid? I'm always so afraid.' As humans, we fear a lot of things. Humiliation, water, spiders, ghosts in the closet, people being cruel, and so many other things we will never admit to. What if we could just do the things we wanted to, because we wanted to? We wouldn't worry about being scared or if the end result will impress people or not.

Like I said, I was hurt  a lot this year in all kinds of ways. In a way, I was in a very dark place and to be honest, maybe I still am. But I'm seeing the light, and in no way, shape, or form will I ever give up because of anything anyone says, does, or tries. No one can stop me, because I am my only obstacle. The battles we fight, are really just in our minds. The things we fear, are really not all that real. We need to open up, to depend on each other, and to stop stressing over every last detail.

We are all people. We all live in fear of things. So, what got me thinking was....if we can't take chances, risks, and do things we're not sure of....what's the point of living? What's the point of life if we're not living it? 2012 was hard, and some areas of it were very,very, bad. My anxiety increased, I lost 2 close friends, and I was just...in a big rut. The rut was that I kept being afraid of things. Afraid of humiliation, afraid of fear, afraid of everything. But if we can't take an extra step past that fear, what else do we have to live for?

This past year has shown me how bad things can get, and how good things can be. In 2013, it's going to be my year. I'm going to accomplish the things I want to....when I want to. I'm brave enough to say that it will be possible, but I'm realistic enough to say that it will be tough.

I've learned  a lot in 2012 - mostly that I want 2013 to be better.